ashcar's journal

I spent the whole year on my face

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 04:03:13 GMT

The images are now in clear focus. The images were blurred.

Currently workin my fingers to the bone on this logo design for tally up. So far no one has used my design ideas. Contest is worth 400 dollars if I can win it, i sure hope i do but if not it can be added to my portolio. There are currently over 50 designs entered in this one contest. so my odd are pretty slim at winning it but its about having a smart design and cleverly simple idea that aims at what the client is looking for. If i actually win one of these contest i can become known around the world for my design so that is a huge bonus. I kno i have the drive.

Mustangs winnnnn!

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 04:56:55 GMT

The Mustangs finally won a championship game today against the MN Selects for a final score of 4 to 3! I'm so happy for all the mustang players, coachs, and families who have been there for the mustangs when there hopes were at and all time low and now when they are at and all time high. Their win came from never giving up and working hard to improve there skills to make a winning team and the coachs who never stopped believing in their players knowing one day they would see a day of winning. Congrats Mustangs!

Great tournament Mustangs

Mustangs won their first game against philly. Lost their second against MN 6 to 5. Won their third game against NC. Won the semi final game against philly and lastly won their championship game!

I can't imagine how excited Chris and Marty and Zelk were once they had won since they've been on the Mustangs the longest. If they cried I can't blame them.

Fire proof your relationship

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 01:35:13 GMT

The Scriptures say…..

“that God designed

and created marriage as a good thing. It is a beautiful, priceless

gift. He uses marriage to help us eliminate loneliness, multiply

our effectiveness, establish families, raise children, enjoy

life, and bless us with relational intimacy. But beyond this,

marriage also shows us our need to grow and deal with our

own issues and self-centeredness through the help of a lifelong

partner. If we are teachable, we will learn to do the one

thing that is most important in marriage—to love. This powerful

union provides the path for you to learn how to love another

imperfect person unconditionally. It is wonderful. It is

difficult. It is life changing.

This book is about love. It’s about learning and daring to

live a life filled with loving relationships. And this journey begins

with the person that is closest to you: your spouse. May

God bless you as you begin this adventure.

But be sure of this: it will take courage. If you accept this

dare, you must take the view that instead of following your

heart, you are choosing to lead it. The world says to follow your

heart, but if you are not leading it, then someone or something

else is. The Bible says that “the heart is deceitful above all things,”

and it will pursue that which feels right at the moment.

We dare you to think differently, and to choose to lead

your heart toward that which is best in the long run. This is a

key to lasting, fulfilling relationships.

This journey is not a process of trying to change your

spouse to be the person you want them to be. You’ve no doubt

already discovered that efforts to change your husband or wife

have ended in failure and frustration. Rather, this is a journey

of exploring and demonstrating genuine love, even when your

desire is dry and your motives are low. The truth is, love is a

decision and not just a feeling. It is selfless, sacrificial, and

transformational. When love is truly demonstrated as it was

intended, your relationship is more likely to change for the

better.

Each day of this journey will contain three very important

elements:

First, a unique aspect of love will be discussed. Read each

of these carefully and be open to a new understanding of what

it means to genuinely love someone.

Secondly, you will be given a specific dare to do for your

spouse. Some will be easy and some very challenging. But take

each dare seriously, and be creative and courageous enough to

attempt it. Don’t be discouraged if outside situations prevent

you from accomplishing a specific dare. Just pick back up as

soon as it is within your ability and proceed with the journey.

Lastly, you will be given journal space to log what you are

learning, doing, and how your spouse is responding. It is important

that you take advantage of this space to capture what is

happening to both you and your mate during the journey.

These notes will record your progress and should become

priceless to you in the future.

Remember, you have the responsibility to protect and

guide your heart. Don’t give up and don’t get discouraged. Resolve

to lead your heart and to make it through to the end.

Learning to truly love is one of the most important things you

will ever do.

Now these three remain:

faith, hope, and love.

But the greatest of these is love

1 Corinthians 13:13 hcsb

If I speak with the tongues of men and of angles, but do not love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know

all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

1 Corinthians 13:1–3

Love is patient

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient,

bearing with one another in love. —Ephesians 4:2

Love works. It is life’s most powerful motivator, and has far

greater depth and meaning than most people realize. It always

does what is best for others, and can empower us to face the

greatest of problems. We are born with a lifelong thirst for love.

Our hearts desperately need it like our lungs need oxygen. Love

changes our motivation for living. Relationships become meaningful

with it. No marriage is successful without it.

Love is built on two pillars that best define what it is. Those

pillars are patience and kindness. All other characteristics of love

are extensions of these two attributes. And that’s where your

dare will begin. With patience.

Love will inspire you to become a patient person. When you

choose to be patient, you respond in a positive way to a negative

situation. You are slow to anger. You have a long fuse instead

of a quick temper. Rather than being restless and demanding,

love helps you settle down and begin extending mercy to those

around you. Patience brings an internal calm during an external

storm.

No one likes to be around an impatient person. It causes you

to overreact in angry, foolish, and regrettable ways. The irony of

anger toward a wrongful action is that it spawns new wrongs of

its own. Anger almost never makes things better. In fact, it usually

generates additional problems.

But patience stops problems in their tracks. More

than biting your lip, more than clapping a

hand over your mouth, patience is a deep breath. It clears the air.

It stops foolishness from whipping its scorpion tail all over the

room. It is a choice to control your emotions rather than allowing

your emotions to control you, and shows discretion instead

of returning evil for evil.

If your spouse offends you, do you quickly retaliate or stay

under control? Do you find that anger is your emotional default

when treated unfairly? If so, you are spreading poison rather

than medicine.

Anger is usually caused when the strong desire for something

is mixed with disappointment or grief. You don’t get what

you want and you start heating up inside. It is often an emotional

reaction that flows out of our own selfishness, foolishness, or

evil motives.

Patience, however, makes us wise. It doesn’t rush to judgment

but listens to what the other person is saying. Patience

stands in the doorway where anger is clawing to burst in, but

waits to see the whole picture before passing judgment. The Bible

says, “He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but

he who is quick-tempered exalts folly” (Proverbs 14:29).

As sure as a lack of patience will turn your home into a war

zone, the practice of patience will foster peace and quiet. “A hottempered

man stirs up strife, but the slow to anger calms a dispute”

(Proverbs 15:18). Statements like these from the book of

Proverbs are clear principles with timeless relevance. Patience is

where love meets wisdom. And every marriage needs that combination

to stay healthy.

Patience helps you give your spouse permission to be human.

It understands that everyone fails. When a mistake is made,

it chooses to give them more time than they deserve to correct

it. It gives you the ability to hold on during the tough times in

your relationship rather than bailing out under the pressure.

But can your spouse count on having a patient wife or husband

to deal with? Can she know that locking her keys in the

car will be met by your understanding rather than a demeaning

lecture that makes her feel like a child? Can he know that

cheering during the last seconds of a football game won’t invite

a loud-mouthed laundry list of ways he should be spending his

time? It turns out that few people are as hard to live with as an

impatient person.

What would the tone and volume of your home be like if

you tried this biblical approach: “See that no one repays another

with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for

one another”? (1 Thessalonians 5:15).

Few of us do patience very well, and none of us do it naturally.

But a wise man or woman will pursue it as an essential

ingredient to their marriage relationship. That’s a good starting

point to demonstrate true love.

This journey is a process, and the first thing you must resolve

to possess is patience. Think of it as a marathon, not a

sprint. But it’s a race worth running.

Dare….

The first part of this dare is fairly simple.

Although love is communicated in a number

of ways, our words often reflect the condition

of our heart. For the next day, resolve to

demonstrate patience and to say nothing

negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation

arises, choose not to say anything. It’s better

to hold your tongue that to say something

you’ll regret.

Answer these questions: Did anything happen today to cause anger toward your mate?

Were you tempted to think disapproving thoughts and to let

them come out in words? Was your spouse surprised by the

things you didn’t say?”

“Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. (James 1:19)”

Elbows and metal not a good combo

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 03:17:05 GMT

Today I had some blood work done. My doc just wants to make sure everything it staying within normal range. He had them draw for 5 different panels and this time he had me fast for 12 hours before. Everything with that went fine, never even got light headed, so I was thankful. 27^th I see the doc.

Easter this year was crazy, to much family drama! So I wasn’t pleased since I was the one everyone was coming to, to vent on. Don’t get me wrong I enjoyed seeing my three nephews and my sister but I could’ve done it without drama, oh well. Got a really nice picture of me and my sister Maryjo this time so I’m pleased with that. Brandon actually has turned into quite the paparazzi these days. Saw monsters vs. aliens in 3-d over Easter weekend with my nephews wasn’t impressed.

I think I may have broken my elbow. It’s actually crazy how it happened. I was pulling a shirt on and my arm slipped onto the lower half of the arm rest on my wheelchair directly on the elbow. Metal and elbows don’t mix well. I’m waiting it out until my appointment on the 27^th to ask the doc what he thinks. For now I’m numbing it with icing and that seems to make it tolerable.

Can you be my act-shonnn?

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 05:55:19 GMT

Everything about Michigan is falling apart including are sports teams. The Tigers got beat badly on opening day and then tonight we lost again although tonight it actually was a much better performance by the Tigers but not enough to get the win. Kind of feels like we are starting the 2008 season all over again and it’s frustrating for the fans.

Okay lets talk Idol. Who is going home? I say Scott and Anoop is in the bottom two also and maybe even Lil rounds. Super excited Flo (Flo-rida’s) performing on results show tomorrow and rumor has it he is performing “Right Round” that’s okay I guess I rather hear him do “Sugar” but I’ll settle with “Right Round”.

Friday I get to see my big Sister and my nephews, yay so get excited! Tomorrow I gotta make time to watch Twilight and Seven pounds both two hours long. Plus Idol I dunno maybe to much Tv for me.

Anywho its almost two am so peace out

Emotional wreck

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 01:40:48 GMT

On Monday my sister-in-law had a miss carry, so no new baby:(. At this point and time they are unsure whether or not they plan on continuing to try and have another. It came with great disappointment but these things are common and must be considered when someone is prego.

Still dealing with avoiding letting love into my heart at this point and time. I’m afraid of being hurt again and I still can’t trust people like I once could and another factor is I just don’t want to put myself into a relationship that I know isn’t going to work out. I just wish guys would back off. Give me some space and stop with the flirty business. And why do all my guy friends secretly have a crush on me? I’m simply nothing special.

I finally got the cash to payoff my bridesmaid dress and trust me I’m super excited, which means one less thing to worry about. I actually am not flat broke I don’t know how I managed this one but it feels awful good although I need to try and not let this extra money burn a whole through my pocket.

I bought two ringers. Sugar by flo-rida because I’m in love with flo’s beats they are off the charts. And then Everything by Michael buble it a good song in general and it was on sale.

My sister and her family will be here sometime on Friday. I’m excited! I haven’t seen my sister in a year. I think we are planning on going out for Easter dinner and then to see Aliens vs monsters in 3D.

And bring on opening day! I need some tigers love:).

Fingers crossed I survive

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 00:39:24 GMT

I’m a bit annoyed with wheelchair repair guys. Took the chair in to have repairs and the side support pads were suppose to just be replaces. Meaning keeping same size and style and well that was not the case. Now I’m trying to hold up my own body weight and it’s rather tire some and not to say it’s making me sore. They complain they don’t want the patient in the chair and this is what happens. All I know is they better have my old side support pieces and have this resolved on Monday.

I joined twitter. It’s very different from what I’m used to so it’s going to take some getting used too. I’m following octomom, she actually has a since of humor. I was kind of shocked. Twitter reminds me of stalking people. I’m also following graphic design programs: photoshop, Indesign, Illustrator, it gives you helpful hints which is a must in my world.

And this I read today which is how we should feel but normally don’t: "When a door of happiness closes, another opens. Often we look at the closed door, we do not see the one that's been opened.".

And Seth Rogen did a cover for playboy and well don’t get your hopes up ladies hes not actually nude but if you’d like to see the cover shoot checkout this link: http://tinyurl.com/ct4o9c, and I enjoyed it! I actually laughed!

It started with a txt

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 04:35:04 GMT

Today has been insane Jordan started not feeling well again. She started like shriving like she did in 05-06 and they had gone away after her gall bladder was removed in 07. So this has me worried as to what’s wrong and causing this again. Hopefully will find out this week after some test are done.

And the craze doesn’t end there my other sister Maryjo txt me saying she was planning to spend a night in a hotel with her three boys because her and bill aren’t getting along. I guess he has been drinking heavy and calling her names and she is tired of his abuse and thinking about getting a “D”. And then goes on to tell me she regrets getting back with him and giving him a second chance and marrying him and how the only good thing from him was her boys. And she dislikes her boys have to go through this and I agreed.

I’m still confused with so many unanswered questions and I wish I was closer so I could offer her more support but I’m not so I just do my best being miles away. I kind of wonder if its over him wanting to move back to Michigan to be around family but like I said I don’t have those answers but my mom said her and bill talked a few weeks back and how he was telling her he wanted to move back to Michigan and Maryjo didn’t want to. So basically they’ve been disagreeing over this a lot. That’s about the only thing I can make of this.

Baby number two

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 23:12:39 GMT

Today I found out my brother Ronnie’s wify is prego with baby number two! Oct is the due date. I’m pretty excited and my bro actually seemed happy about this. They have a lot going on right now in the middle of buying some land to build a new house and now the new baby! I’m really hoping they have another girl since I already have three nephews.

I’ve been having some serious pain in my right side which I’m kind of concerned about. I always get nervous when it seems like something inside my body isn’t functioning correctly since my body is all twisted up. So many docs like to put the blame on my back instead of really understanding something’s wrong and it’s not being caused from my back. So I tend to just deal with the craze of the pain. I know I shouldn’t have to but I do.

Lately I’ve been really wondering if a guy exists for me in this world. Not that I want someone at this point but I just wonder if I’ll ever have the chance to know what true love feels like. I guess I’m just waiting for prince charming to get off his lazy butt and sweep me off my feet (or should I say wheels, lol).

Ordered some dcs so can’t wait to get them in the mail. Whoever would have thought I’d actually buy skater shoes? Some prolly think I bumped my head or something but I’m expanding my horizons and trying out new things with my character. They are pink, tan, and white plaid. I think they’ll look sweet with skirts and shorts since they are the style you don’t have to tie just slip your foot into.

The weather is slowly getting warmer and that tickles my insides. I’m ready to blister in the sun. Bring on weddings, bachelorette parties, and sexy guys!

Mommy and me happy hour

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 22:34:04 GMT

This is an event where mom’s and their girlfriends and their children are able to come together. Allowing mothers to talk with their girlfriends about things they don’t always get to while enjoying a few cocktails. The event location happens at you or your girlfriend house. This event allows children of yours and your girlfriends to be able to play together. So not only is this fun for the little ones but it’s a chance for moms to have a chance to spend time with their girlfriends which helps them have a break from there daily task.

I learned about this event that a group of ladies started while watching the show the doctors. I think this is nice for those mothers out there who are never able to break away and it’s not like there neglecting their children during the event nor are they getting wasted. Their drinking responsibly and keep an eye on their children while gossiping with their girlfriends. Where’s the harm in that? I think more woman need to do events like this to help lower their level of stress. It’s and escape from their daily task of everyday life for a few hours once a week and everyone deserves and opportunities for some fun for a few hours.

I know there are people out there who see this as wrongful but simply I don’t and of course everyone has there own opinions. I say it’s a good thing as long as you act like a responsible mother. Cause who doesn’t need a break? Especially those busy mothers out there. I think this is a good tip for those who are already mothers or those of us who one day plan to be one.

Trust

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 02:29:23 GMT

In the last six months I’ve learned a lot about myself and relationships and I’m not just talking about dating but consider every aspect of relationships as far as what we encounter daily from friends to, family to, dating to, marriage and so forth.

In theory you only have yourself to trust. Why because we can count on our self more then anyone besides GOD but we aren’t going to allow our self to hurt itself and If you do put yourself in a situation and you get hurt you only have yourself to blame.

Think about how often we open ourselves up to people, telling them things about us, telling them our true feelings, telling them about our hurt and pain we’ve gone through, and at some point that comes back to get us in the end.

We’ve all been hurt when opening up to someone. Trusting others with very intimate parts of ourselves, everyone has. And there is no shame in that, your family, your friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife someone you care about deeply, all of these people are people you’ve built trust with. You’ve felt comfortable enough to let your guard down and open up to them. That’s what the natural thing to do is. Until one day you realize that all that trust, that faith and that hope that you put into them has been broken and has faded away. That day will presumably change your outlook forever. I’ve noticed once that happens to a person you begin to re-evaluate all of your relationships. It doesn’t matter if they’ve ever wronged you before or not it just makes you think. Paranoid very possible.

Who ever wants to feel that pain again? Who would ever set themselves up for that heart brake again? Sure your natural reflex is to want to feel good. So of course you meet new people and listen to your family “that you’ll get back on the right path again”. Anything to help numb the pain for a mili second but when the day is over and your laying there in bed you realize you really have no answers to any of this.

It doesn’t matter how hard you try to rebuild trust with people, once you’ve let your guard down to someone and they’ve hurt you whether it was intentional or unintentional you’ll always second guess someone’s intentions. It’s just your natural reaction and your defense mechanism to help keep that pain away.

I’m talking in every aspect of any kind of relationship. Anyone can break this trust. The reality is we all do things to intentionally hurt other people. Someone hurts you so you want them to feel that pain that they have so generously bestowed upon you, so does this make me a hipocrit? Possibly! Does it make me not trust people that much? Definitely!

I’ll explain to you this never ending bad revolving cycle. I unintentionally do something to hurt someone else and not knowing I did so they instinctively want to hurt me. This is where they want you to feel the pain you made them feel and since there feeling hurt they do something back to hurt you. So now you are hurt and it keepings repeating, repeating, repeating and it will keep going back and forth because that trust has been broken and one or both will eventually close back up.

If we continue to put our feelings and emotions in other people hands, you will never have full control of yourself because we all know that it is a hard thing to act with our brain instead of doing what our heart is telling us to do. If everyone only reacted to situations after they had logically thought about the situation there wouldn’t be so many trustless, broken relationships but we all know this is far from reality. Everyone tends to act on their emotions. We all try not to but it depends but we are being honest here today. Who hasn’t thrown a temper tantrum?

Now you are sitting here pondering all these things….

Is trust a true emotion? Or is it just an idea that has been put into our heads to keep this natural bad cycle going on? To get hurt and then have the hope and faith that you will someday be rid of it? Is this how we push ourselves forward? Intentionally hurting each other to ultimately push us to our faith? Is that the purpose for trust?

So when if you ever do you put yourself back out there, do you decide that your hope and faith is strong enough to endure what awaits you? I know GOD breaks me to make me a stronger woman and that trust gets broken for me to go to my faith even more. You forgive and faith and hope that the next person you hand that over to will only hurt you enough to drive you closer to faith and pray they only hurt you because they acted from their emotions those emotions that let you know they care about you and that hopefully will ultimately loves you.

Life

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 03:05:10 GMT

I feel kind of sick to my stomach today. I think my sinus are draining into my stomach and making my stomach sickish feeling because now I’m all congested. I wasn’t able to eat much for lunch because I felt like I was going to puke. I’m feeling a little bit better now. We are supposed to go shopping for Addison’s birthday gift.

I talked to Sam for awhile today she has been really helping me be cheerful. And yesterday I spoke to Tiffany that girl is always complaining about something it’s rather annoy, that is why I don’t even bother with her anymore. And plus I want someone for real friendship not there phoniness.

I watched jumper the other night very strange movie and then last night I watched fools gold and welcome home roscoe Jenkins they were okay movies I guess.

Tigers continue to win and they have the day off today so hopefully they’ll have another amazing game tomorrow night. Marcus Thames hit a homerun in the past five games that was rather incredible.

So I did make it out shopping today. Bought Addison’s gifts, ended up getting her a stroller for her baby dolls it’s a 4 in 1 and I figured she can grow into it plus get some good years out of it, and a pink lawnmower that pushes out bubbles as you push it, and some summer dresses and pj’s and a pair of shoes plus her 2 year old birthday card.

Also stopped to dicks sporting goods got myself four pair of athletic shorts I was disappointed they had no deals going but now I got me some lounge shorts so I’m happy about that. We also got my mom a new phone since she lost her last one now her phone is better then mine. Actually the keypad on hers rocks maybe if I save some money I can buy a newer phone we’ll see.

Jays in the hospital I’m hoping he can get better so he can attend his last year of camp. Hoping tomorrow the weather doesn’t suck. I need some sunshine so I can keep working on my tan.

I’m excited I can wake up tomorrow and know I can talk to my baby. Gosh am I ever excited its been a tough week trying to keep my mind off missing him so much although I do find it strange that I got just one call oh well at least I got that.

Night to all

I love him so much

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 19:51:55 GMT

I’m so excited for Monday! I get to see my baby yay! He called me from camp today just before he was about to have lunch. It felt great to hear from him oh I so did miss hearing his deep and sexy voice and I was thankful that it didn’t feel like he was rushing me off the phone it was nice. Only got to survive a few days and then he’ll be home. I miss you baby and your call tickled my soul and made me very happy thanks for loving me so much.

I haven’t been doing much lately. Tomorrow I’ll have new movies in the mail from nextflixs so that’ll be nice, all new movies to so that’s exciting.

Tigers been playing some rather amazing baseball even last night although they came up just short after Rodney gave up a three run homerun which put the giants ahead but then in the ninth they gave it a good attempt when pudge got a base hit and then Larish walked that put two men on and then granderson drove in two runs with two out and that would end the inning with palnco getting out at first making the score 8 to 6. Hopefully tonight is another sweet ass game although I dislike these late games because by the fifth inning you’re starting to fall asleep but you don’t want to go to bed because you’re dying to know what kind of game they played.

I can’t believe how cold it is for June. I guess it had to cool off sometime and the gardens, flowers needed the rain. I just wish it wasn’t so overcast and the sun was out because this kind of weather just makes you feel lazy.

Spilling out my heart to you

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 17:38:53 GMT

Miles apart your always on my mind.

You leave my heart yearning for more.

The best love is the love that awakes us and has us reaching for more as our flames grow stronger and leave us wanting more.

As the days seem to past by so quickly and knowing your always going to be mine help me get through my days.

Your loving embrace, embraces my soul and lets me know some day we won’t have to worry so much.

Always know I’ll be loving you no matter what.

I hope and pray I can always continue to amaze you.

Sometimes I stumble as I try to find the words to express my love but you manage to make me feel comfortable and guide me and show me its okay.

As our love is faced with trials just know I’ll always be yours.

When it doesn’t seem to be okay it really is.

You truly are my best friend.

The days when I am unable to talk to you just makes me cherish our love that much more.

With all my heart I love you Marty!

He’s gone

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 01:22:54 GMT

It’s going to be a lonely week since my hinny left today for his session of MDA camp and sadly for him it’s his very last one. So I’m already missing him but some how I’ll make my will power get me through the days without him and the greatest thing of all is I’ll see him Monday the 23^rd so yes for that. I’ll be thinking of you every second baby, and I love you with all of my heart.

Today we cut the grass and finished cleaning the yard which thankful is almost finished, just have to patch up a few holes in the backyard. It’s looking much better out there. I gathered some branches the fell from the trees during the past storms so when we have a bon-fire or camp fire we have some smaller pieces because we already have enough big firewood from trimming our trees.

And my dad pissed my mom off. He tried pulling a fast one over on her so now she doesn’t want the three of us doing anything with him for Fathers Day tomorrow so whatever I guess. I fell kind of bad about tomorrow but in theory I shouldn’t because of how he chooses to act and the poor decisions he chooses to make.

As far as camp I hung it up I’m not going this year although I probably could have gone this year and made it my very last with everyone else but so many reasons play a key role into why I made these decisions. For one it’ll be easier on me not going because it’s a lot of peoples last year and the emotional part of it won’t get to me because I’m not going. And since Char pasted away up there I have had a hard time going since then and I did try but I just seemed to never enjoy myself as much after that happened. And I guess being so sick last year has helped me make it easier to not go. So for me it all worked out in the end. I will miss so many faces and I’ll ever forget all the memories I shared there will so many people who may or may not be here today with me but some of those memories are captured in many photo albums and I’m thankful I had the opportunity to be apart of your life.

Tigers are on a roll they have won 7 of there last 8. I’m so pumped! I do hope we can continue this and make it into the postseason since we sucked at the start of the season. Go Tigers, I love you guys!

I can’t wait the new season of big brother is starting soon. And soon we’ll find out which guy the bachorlett decisions to pick as her husband I think I kind of already know who she wants but I think its more of a physical attraction then anything so that’s never any good so I doubt it’ll last.

Everyone have a wonderful Fathers Day!

Awesome, awesome I tell you

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 23:17:23 GMT

Today I finally was able to speak to the Gerbino’s. Mrs. Gerbino wasn’t home but it felt wonderful chi-chatting to Mr. Gerbino. We talked about possibly meeting up in July and I’m very excited for that I hope it is ago. I mean I know more then likely they’ll be up for it but I hope I’m able to go to Marty’s that weekend with Tiffany since that’s when we talked about doing this. Ah it’d be so much fun to see some old faces again but gosh this makes me miss my girls Adrian and Char. I’ve tried to hook up with Samantha but she never seems to follow through with it and it’s very disappointing. I’m not sure why she does that maybe seeing me would be too hard for her.

I also got everything planted today besides one bush I’m just not all to sure what I should do with it so I’m being smart and pondering where it should go before just placing it anywhere in the yard. All the planters are planted and I’m happy because I made my mom happy.

Today the Tigers wrapped up there three day series with the Chicago white sox’s and it’s been three awesome games for the tigers. I still can’t believe we got the sweep today. We were trailing and then we tied it up at one, one and then in the ninth carbera hit a homerun to win the game I was amazed and it was fricking amazing!

And I felt like looking cute so I’m looking like a cutie today.

I'm trying to steer away from the negitive things that people keep trying to cluster my mind with and look toward the brighter side of things. Somedays I just wish I felt I had everything I could wish for and hope for in this life but lately i'm feeling cut very short of things.

They gave me a life that’s not so easy to live

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 03:09:38 GMT

Today time feels like it’s standing still. I just want to get this coming week over wish so I can see Marty. I’m really starting to miss him. He seems busy with camp stuff it kind of stinks because I’m yearning for more of his attention and it has been kind of absent and it’s only going to become worst for me once he leaves on Saturday.

This coming Friday will be one year that my kidney began failing and I spent nearly a week in the hospital and I missed my first year of camp. This whole week coming up is going to emotionally drain me. Addison will be turning two as well as Brandon turning ten. They all are growing and I wish I could see them all more. Auntie loves each and every one of you like her own.

So many people have wrote me messages on myspace I just don’t feel like answering back right now. I’m feeling sluggish and tired. I’ll write you guys back soon.

Some how the Tigers managed to stop the white sox seven in a row winning strike tonight. I’m not to sure how we can play so well on certain nights and then really stink on others. It seems when we aspect the tigers to lose they pull some kind of magic out and use it. Don’t get me wrong I’m happy we won but I’m still astounded. Hopefully they continue using the magic they used tonight in hope it takes us into the postseason. Go TIGERS!

Yesterday we got the butterfly hummingbird garden plants all planted. Now all we have to do to it is lay the mulch down and whatever stone or border stuff we are going to use and add the fence in behind it. Then the wildflower bed still needs mulch and stoned in. Today got two of the three flower planters finished for the decks. So we’ve been punching away at it.

So many of my classmates from HS are having babies right now, it makes me disappointed I’m not very far in my life. With focus I’ll get there and hopefully no more health obstacle hurls to have to crawl over anytime soon. I feel this last year and a half has took so much time away from me but I can’t look back I have to push harder to get things back on track and running smoothly again, and I will. It’ll get better as I go.

You can not save me

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 01:23:17 GMT

This weather the past couple of days has been interesting. Today we got caught in the middle of a massive t-storm cell on or way to the store. The weather news casters are saying tomorrows storms are going to have more energy then what we’ve faced the past two days. I’m thankful we only lost a branch off a tree and we continued to have power because so many are without.

Friday I got a letter from discovery that someone applied for a discovery card under my name. I thought maybe my sister MaryJo tried to pull a fast one over on me since she needed certain info from me for these insurance papers in case something happen to her and her husband she reassured me that it was not her so Monday I need to call discovery and ask a few questions because someone appears to be steeling my indenity.

Tigers seem to be on a roll right now as far as putting wins into the winning column. Tomorrow the series against the Indian’s ends and then we start a series against the white sox who are currently winning our division. I’m not to confident we’ll be winning much during this series just because we never seem to do well against the sox.

I spoke to Tiff tonight about whether or not she would be staying until the 13^th and she does plan on staying until then but now she talks about wanting to go down on the 8^th and they’ll still leave for cedar point on the 9^th so I’d need someone who could lift and help me for three days. They would be returning to Matt’s house sometime on the 12^th and she’d help me from that point on. But I still got to talk to Marty in hope someone can help. Hoping I’ll all workout.

I got to get a few planters potted for our front and back decks. I’m the brain behind the operation and my mom is the physical work horse. Hopefully Tuesday we can get the potting soil for all that. Feel like I’ve done enough gardening this year to last a life time but at least things are looking nicer around this joint.

Father’s day is approaching and I’m not to sure what I want to do with that if anything. I know I have a lot of bitterness in my heart toward him right now. Maybe there be that one day I won’t.

Night

Let’s try this again

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 22:14:13 GMT

Tonight is game six in Penn for the cup. I’m flashing the good ole wings gear that I’m currently wear. Hopefully we take them out tonight, GO WINGS!

I’m very energy less today and tired just feel blahh. I got my AE package in the mail today. I ordered two pair of shorts which were on sale and then two halter tops. I’d like to go to dicks sporting goods and look at there athletic shorts before fathers day because they might actually be on sale and I could use some lounge shorts.

Tigers are losing again, it stinks. They just can’t seem to pull it together. Hopefully the ten game home stay will help them out. I still believe.

Last night I had a good chat with Laura. It felt good to talk to her since we haven’t talked in over a couple of months. So far married life is treating her good. I kind of feel bad for them, they live on pennies but at least they make the best of what they got. Right now they don’t have a car so Laura walks to and from college and same goes for Ryan. So basically the walk to and from where they have to go. We talk about life and things on that level.

I’m missing Marty and I could use some of his time badly. Sex at this point would be good. Need some of his levy dovey umm yeah. Soon soon! The 23^rd is too far off. I can’t stop thinking naughty thoughts about him kind of stinks we haven’t had time to share these thoughts. Laura said to me last night she remembers how it felt to be stranded on second bases, it was funny.

So me, Gabe, and Jordan got these papers in the mail about how close they are to understanding SMA compare to any of the other diseases. I pray to god I am one who can receive the cure and not die from this killer disease. So I got to feel out the paper work so it can be sent to the congress so they can past medical treatment, it’s inspiring.

Right I’m off to watch Semi-pro now before the wings.

A lump on a log with no gumption

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 23:35:22 GMT

So last night was game five in the final round in the quest for the cup. I so believe the NHL is making this finally series go as long as possibly can to make as much money as possible off it. We came so darn close to making that cup ours, I think we were 42 seconds away from celebrating our victory and then those penguins’ score to force a three, three tie. So it when into a third OT and I thought for sure it was going to a fourth but we got a four min plenty and they scored on the power play. I’m hoping tomorrow night we win that cup in Penn and we make them bleed fear all over that place. I want hard hitting, bloody noses, teeth being knocked out, and fights, with a WINGS VICTORY!

I also had my doc appointment yesterday. It went good. I don’t need any blood work done for awhile. All my nutrient counts can back good and he said I’m doing very well, that made me very happy to hear. He ask my plans for summer and I said I didn’t really have any.

And then we went to a flower nursery to see if they had the plants for the butterfly and hummingbird flower garden we are doing. So they had all 7 plants. We couldn’t find a fence to go behind it so we still got to go to a few other stores and see what they have to offer. Got the liquid fence for the garden so the deer and rabbits are eating it I just have to read the instructions and see how to use it.

I miss Marty! He was very sweet and loving when he called this afternoon it made me all warm and fuzzy feeling inside. I can wait until the 23^rd when I get to spend the day with him. To top it off my mom and the two gimps are thinking about going away that day so yay we’ll probably get some alone time that pretty exciting.

As for today I’m been super lazy, just hanging around doing different things around this joint. Tomorrow we get movies from netflicks, 27 dresses, semi-pro, and then something Gabe added on Wednesday. Hoping Friday we’ll be able to go to Bay City to see kung fu panda it looks funny. I’m such a kiddy at heart, lol.

Tigers have another ten o’clock start tonight I’m not sure whether or not I’m going to stay up for the whole thing. Last night they lost and I really have no idea what happened because I was watching the wings besides when I had flipped the channel once to see the score was tied at two, two in the 8^th inning. We’ve been playing decent baseball we just got to capitalize and improve from our mistakes as a team.

It feels like the beginning of fall. What happened to our beautiful weather, maybe tomorrow will be nicer. Something is wrong with my limewire, I wish it was in working condition I need some new tunes to bump too. I should just get out my laptop and plug it into the internet and use my limewire on there. Or I can just wait til Marty can look at it, which more then likely is what I’ll do.

I wish I’d hear back from Tiffany on what days she’ll be gone for Cedar Point so I know whether or not I will possibly be able to go to the wedding with Marty. I hope I can, I want to look sexy beautiful for him. But who knows with her, she’s always changing her mind about things. I’m not getting my hopes up because there is a good chance it’s a no go.

To all a goodnight and a goodnight to all

Whatever

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 00:01:34 GMT

I feel rather shitty today and I’m super nervous about my doc appointment tomorrow. I know I just need to relax about it and that more then likely everything will go just fine with it but I can’t seem to find inner peace.

Today tigers had a nail bitter game. They won 7 to 5, yay for that. If we keep winning we could take third place away from Cleveland and that would rock my socks. Gullen had his first start today in left field. He did well but really had no changeling plays to make so only time will tell what kind of out fielder he’ll make. Jeremy did a fairly nice job pitching got his self in a few jams but managed to pitch his way out of them. And lets talk about the ninth inning when it was a three three game and inge walked, granderson with a hit, and polanco, and magglio hits, cabra doubles yeah awesome ninth for the tigers. Way to go guys.

Not much else is going on. I need to watch Rambo so we can send out all three movies tomorrow. I hope I’ll like. I think I’m going to go to bed early tonight so I can wake up at a decent time. I don’t know what else to say for now. So take it easy all.

I found heaven inside you

Fri, 30 May 2008 22:12:22 GMT

Today has been a rather blah day plus my allergies are bugging me. I just basically finished watching “Over her dead body” it was okay but it was something to kill sometime.

Yesterday I spoke to Tiff about the days her and Matt plan to spend down at Cedar Point because I’m trying to go to a wedding with Marty and which these record high gas prices he can’t afford to meet me in Birch run two weeks in July because we ahead had plans before the wedding popped up so anyways Tiff was planning on coming back on the 12^th which is the day of that wedding so that won’t work but I guess I got her thinking and now she is considering requesting the 13^th off since it’s a Sunday because Sunday starts a new week and she gets so many days off during a week so she said it would affect anything but she planned to talk to Matt last night and see where he sat on things. I told her don’t go requesting the 13^th off for me because I understand if it doesn’t workout and plus Marty still has to work on finding someone to lift if I’m able to go but I’ll be grateful if I do get to go with him. So we’ll see how it’ll workout.

I miss my sister Maryjo I wish I had more opportunities to hangout with her. We have so many interested that are alike and plus she’s got one cool hubby and her boys rock my socks. Now she is talking that she probably won’t be coming back in July only Bill and the three boys that’s really a bummer but at least I can see the four of them.

I miss Marty too. I won’t prolly see him until after he is finished with Camp. It really annoys me how Tiff complains so much about seeing Matt that’s why I hardly call her anymore she should be more thankful because he really tries for her and she just bitches in return. I bring this up because when I called her yesterday she started telling me she’s seeing him in two weeks and I said that’s nice you get to see him soon and she says yeah I guess but I have to work on Saturday and I said well you’ll have two full days together and nothing I said was good enough so I basically just weaseled my way off the phone. I wish I had the opportunities her and Matt have to be together with Marty but we don’t and we are thankful for what we do get.

Things been Marty and me were tense for awhile there but I’m feeling more confident in this relationship again and I’m falling more in love with him all over again, it truly is a wonderful feeling. I hope I’m making him happy. I’m trying to make the best of what we have because one day it’ll pay off and I don’t want to throw something so special away. I hope through these trials we’ve faced that we can grow even closer together. I think for months both our heads were not in the right place as far as our relationship and we begun falling away from each other. We both had been failing to put that commitment forth to keep what we had going and our flames had started to burn out. Realizing our heads were in the wrong place and communicating about how rocky things seemed and our only options of a)making the best of what we have or b)moving on, made the both of us realize we didn’t want to lose each other but that we want this relationship to work until death do us part but that it would require each of us to work at it putting our 110% into our relationship to make it better and to rekindle our flames for each other which would feel our souls with endless joy again. And he decided to give me the closeness that I’ve been yearning for throughout our relationship so I was pleased with this decision. I miss and love you babes!

I had a crazy dream the other night. Marty bought me some sort of ring but I don’t know if it was an engagement or what because I woke up. I really do yearn for the day we can be together but for now I must remain strong. Gosh I really love you, yes I do, love you, and you just have no idea.

Tonight the tigers play Seattle hopefully they win since Seattle is in last place in the A.L. We just seem not to be able to find a good person to play in left center field but tonight Thames will get the start in left although he seems to struggle against right handed pitching. So GO TIGERS I’ll be stay up late just to watch so hopefully you guys can pull off a win.

The shit hit the fan again...

Thu, 29 May 2008 03:15:26 GMT

Nothing really going on here. The wings lost in game three tonight which stinks but it isn’t like they are trailing in the series so I’m not too concerned. We’ll come back and win. Tigers are playing as I’m typing this LJ and winning by three hopefully they don’t blow it like the past two nights.

Yesterday was a very unpleasant day for me, I went to the hospital to have my outpatient lab work done that I now have done regularly and I got in there the lady was having troubles finding a vein well she said she found one poked the butterfly needle into my arm and started to get blood then the blood stopped flowing and she started wiggling the needle around and it started hurting really bad and then I started to feel like I was going to puke and then I got dizzy and very pale and very shaky. So my mom insisted that a doc look at me to make sure everything was okay. He said I was fine. So Monday now I got to go see my internal med doc and see what he wants done as far as my labs since they never got them drew. So to say after that I did feel good.

That’s all for now

Keepin’ it real

Mon, 26 May 2008 01:56:35 GMT

What a beautiful weekend. All my memories of Memorial Day weekend are that of it always seemed to rain but not this one. It’s been beautiful for cook outs, camp fires, yard work, or just to be out in it enjoying it. I got a lot accomplished this weekend. The garden is now all in and with plenty of space for the maturing plants. Also got so more flowers planted. The welcome sign that has a planter put three new annuals in it. This tree that’s in my yard that carpenter ants killed I planted three English ivy around it this tree in hope they survive the winter which I’ve seen some that have and that it’ll start to climb up the tree and I’m going to nail a few bird houses onto this tree. If it turns out like I planned should look beautiful.

The old shed I guess you can call it got tore down today and most of the junk that was back there is now gone. Soon the rest of it will be gone and then it’ll actually look like a yard again. Very seen the hummingbird and butterfly garden will be going near the location of the old shed. Although I’m not pleased that my squash plants in my garden got ran over and now every place is out of that certain type of squash. I think at least one of the plants right recover and make it, I mixed up so miracle gro and put on them so it might boost them back to life soon enough we’ll find out. Lots of yard work this weekend and it’s paying off things are starting to look better around here.

Friday I saw the new Indy movie. It was pretty good but nothing can compare to the first ones.

Tigers lost today in a good battle. Was tied most of the game until the 8^th inning when the bases were loaded and Minnesota hit a grand slam homerun, then our bats burnt out. I don’t know if we play tomorrow or not but I got to go have blood work if the outpatient lab is open.

Probably pick up some liquid fence for the garden so the deer and rabbits don’t start eating it since I’ll already be in Bay City for my appointment also got get mulch and whatever else probably going to be busy tomorrow.

Right now I’m looking at places to travel in and around Michigan. It’d be nice if Marty and I could take a mini vacation up north at the end of summer but I’m unsure if it’s afford able. Sleeping bear dunes in Traverse City sounds cool I’m just not sure if accessible or not.

Night too all.

I feel like crawling underneath a rock and hiding from lifes craziness...

Fri, 23 May 2008 00:32:00 GMT

I wish a million things were different. Not quite sure why some in life seem to face so many difficulties and others seem to be handed a sliver platter. These decisions I’m faced to deal with as this relationship continue to go on become more difficult and it’s harder to deal with. I want to be apart of things I can’t and it fricking sucks. I just have to be here hearing about it after it has happened. I’m not saying he can help, how it is, but words of encouragement are nice to hear in times like this not that of slights or feeling the pissy attitude I sense that only makes it worst. Whatever I’ll be okay as always. Maybe one day I won’t have to miss out on so much.

Sometimes it feels like I have no one to talk to so I have to type in my journal to vent away feelings that are bottling up inside me. I guess the greatest thing of all is it doesn’t talk back so I can say whatever I want to, to it and it can’t get shitty with me.

Tigers had a fucking rocking game today. Brandon hit a grand slam home run and the guy who was supposes to make the play lost his glove when attempting to make this play it was funny shit. Matt Joyce made and awesome caught to get the three out and also had a two run home run. Gary actually played awesome today it was amazing seeing his bat working. We won this three game series against Seattle so exciting we now move to 20 n 27. I hope we can keep the bats and good pitching going for tomorrow when the twins are in town.

The sunshine tonight is just beautiful and I think tomorrow is going to turn out to be a beautiful day, gosh I sure do hope so. I need so sunshine to make me happy.

I was browsing around ae’s site tonight all there shorts are on sale, I’m thinking about buying a few pair since I need more anyways. They also got there collection of strapless bras on there site now so thinking about one since I need one for when I wear dresses and such. I could use a few tank tops, I’ll see tho.

Monday I’m suppose to have my blood drew I’m not sure if the out patient lab is open then or not since it’s Memorial Day. I got to remember to call tomorrow. Nothing special for my weekend, I hope everyone who will be traveling has a safe and happy holiday.